Lately with so much going on in my life there have been times where I have felt like the walls are closing in. Yes I'm seriously happy with a beautiful fiance, a wedding to plan and a house that we both own. However working up to 39 hours every week, volunteering as a counsellor on one of my two days off and helping look after my grandma (who is currently in care) leaves very little time for me to enjoy the fruits of my wonderful life. Don't get me wrong. I'm certainly not trying to claim that I have it hard; far from it. What my counselling training has taught me however is that experiences like depression, anxiety and panic are all subjective. What can cause one to rock in the fetal position in the corner of the room could happen to another and they'd barely break a sweat. When I feel the pressure and feel like those walls are within touching distance, I simply try to think about other times in my life and how far I've come.
Frankie Boyle of all people said something really profound in his first book 'My Shit Life So Far' and it has stuck with me in the years since I read it. I'm frustrated that I can't find the direct quote but the main crux of it is this. The majority of people seem to have a major breakdown or crisis in their twenties yet no-one really addresses this. Mid-life crisis? Sure that's a thing. However the idea of having a major identity crisis before you hit your 30th birthday may seem asinine to some.
Mine was at the very start of my twenties. One random Saturday afternoon in 2008 I was entirely positive that I was going to die. Perhaps all the pepperoni pizzas and kebab meat and chips (one meal folks) were catching up with me. I wasn't sure. All I knew was that in the middle of a shift at work that I was going to meet Freddie Mercury in the sky. NB: I'm not trying to be offensive there. I genuinely like to think that when I finally move on to the next plain that Freddie is there somewhere with a vodka and coke waiting. It turns out it was *just* a panic attack. Just. Anyone who has ever been unfortunate to have a panic attack will tell you it certainly doesn't feel trivial enough to warrant a 'just' before it. Well at least I wasn't dead...
I spent the next six months in a constant cycle of panic attacks followed by crippling tiredness and so on. It takes me a long time to fully recover from a panic attack. The adrenaline is so intense that I'm exhausted for days. On this occasion I fully believe I never truly had enough time between them to pull myself together. I didn't miss a day of work (although I should have) at this point and just carried on.
I pulled through only to stumble into another bout of panic attacks in 2009. I remember sitting on the bus and realising that for the first time in several months that it was happening again. I could have actually cried my eyes out... and I nearly did. This time it was this and the break up of a relationship that made me look at who this 23 year old man I'd become was. I had no idea. In my head I was still 16 and listening to Metallica 'til one in the morning. Perhaps I was the 19 year old that was the life and soul of a night out at university. He'd had high dreams to become a director and a writer. In 2009 I was working on a deli counter for a supermarket; far far away from my lofty aspirations.
I went for counselling shortly after my girlfriend at the time dumped me. To be honest it was for the best and would only have happened later. I simply wasn't ready for a relationship. I didn't even know who I was! Counselling was a huge moment in my life. It didn't mean I was crazy or insane; it simply meant I was brave enough and strong enough to ask for help. It had such a profound effect on me that I completed training to become a counsellor myself! My counsellor sat and listened to everything I had to say without judgement. If you aren't this lucky, get another counsellor. A good friend of mine told me his counsellor sat and talked at him for an hour before asking if that helped! I was lucky that I was given the space to look at my life. In comparison to some my life hasn't exactly been traumatic but I still had stuff to deal with.
It's nearly five years since my last panic attack. I'm 28 and yes I still work for that very same supermarket albeit a branch closer to home. The difference is that I know who I am. I will always consider myself very fortunate that my counselling training gave me an opportunity to look at myself and face up to what I saw. Some of it I didn't like; I still don't. I put things off for far too long. I'm crap with money. I'm very reluctant to take criticism. That being said there are things about myself I do like. I'm kind. I have an innate desire to help people. I like to make people laugh. I'm a son, a fiancé, a brother, a friend and most recently an uncle and I can genuinely say that I've never been happier. Yes I have those stressful moments but I have something that 16 year old Mike didn't have: self respect.
Why have I decided to talk about this now? Let's think about what Frankie Boyle said. At some point in your mid 20s you'll have some kind of identity crisis. I consider myself lucky that I had mine at 23. Some of my friends currently feel lost or unsure of their place in life. It's a really shitty place to be. All I want to say is take a deep breath and look after yourself. It's not new agey. Chill out with your favourite film, cook your favourite meal or do what I did: put on your earphones and walk. It'll get better... after all we've got mid life crises to deal with in a couple of decades!!
I hope this has helped you and ask if there is any post here at Norris Approved that you share to make it this one. I personally recommend the web forum NoMorePanic if you need support for panic disorder or depression. Plesse tweet me @NorrisApproved3 or leave a message below or on the Facebook page if you'd like to share your own experiences.
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